The Girl With A Brown Bag

I have wanted to write something for so long now, I just didn’t know how. I needed a reason to feel like my words would matter. I have come to realize that I don’t get the will to write if I don’t go deep.

This morning I had a very interesting talk with someone at work. His question before we did anything else was, ‘Are you okay?’
I asked, ‘Why do you ask?’- Note the defensive tone. I did not answer his question but instead took it as if we wanted to fight and I braced myself for it.
He said, ‘That is not an answer. Are you okay?’- God bless his patient soul
I smiled and said, ‘Yes, I’m always okay.’

He didn’t buy that but instead of asking more questions he started the pep talk. As he was telling me how he feels I have changed and I am just existing, I looked at myself and wondered.

I wondered if my cracks show how deep they?

I wondered what was the purpose of smiling if I didn’t feel the smile?
I wondered if my laughter has been a cry for help all this time and no one heard it.
I wondered why I felt lonely even when surrounded by people.
I then started to tell him why I had changed, before I wondered if he really cared or he was just asking for the sake of it.
I started a story in which I was the victim of circumstance then stopped myself and said, ‘Get your shit together!’

So we talked. I didn’t reveal too much neither did he offer something new. Whatever he said though was helpful. I left the room thinking I was better than all these. I was better than my self-destructing thoughts. I was better than my circumstances.
Another colleague of mine told me yesterday that what I see as my weakness is probably my greatest strength.

So I made myself a promise or two:
I will not blame others for my shortcomings
I will not sit down and clap for others while answering the ‘what about you’ questions.
I will not sit on my ideas anymore – no matter how stupid or crazy
I just might start a channel just to rant – I just might.