The Girl With A Brown Bag

So, something weird happened today. I saw a picture that is supposed to be on our company profile before it was fully processed. Anyway, I saw it. The weird thing I mentioned was not really weird just a bit draining

The picture they chose was the second worst of me I have ever seen. Immediately I saw it I flipped. Like why didn’t they use the picture I picked? Why did they use the worst of the seven they had? Was it possible to change it because obviously I wasn’t having it. I actually said they used a picture that made me look ugly.

Now, reading this you probably think what’s the big deal? Why is she so concerned? Why can’t she just let it go? I have let it go, but after giving myself a long speech. Truth is no one likes to be seen at their worst – that’s why we take a hundred pictures only to post one of them. For me however this was not about vanity.

A few years ago, I hated myself. I felt worthless and undeserving of anyone’s attention/ love. I spent years trying so hard to be the ‘perfect’ girl so that a boy I liked would look at me like he did in my dreams. This backfired in a huge way as he always found something wrong with me.. So did every other guy I liked after him. The worst part is I felt like I wasn’t worth any better so I took all the crap and asked ‘How can I make this work for you’. People around me always made me feel tiny or insignificant because I had two chins or my stomach showed. The constant comparison with my sister did not help either. In short, I was a mess. The constant bullying in primary school made me withdraw and sink deeper into my books. All this time nobody knew what was going through because every comment that stang, every stare that burned I hid it perfectly with smiles and laughter. I was a great daughter, sister, friend and confidant but felt like I was alone. I was drowning in my own pain and sorrow but somehow always found a way to rescue everyone else around me from drowning.

Mix all these with memories of sexual assaults I experienced (as a child and in high school) and you’ll get an idea of my mental state. I thought I was always at fault so I tried to be better for everyone else and forgot about me. I felt guilty for every little success. Instead of feeling proud for being top of the class. I felt bad because my sister was number four. The boy I told you about? Years later when he finally seemed to respond in a positive way, he told me he was disgusted by my lack of self-respect. This hit me hard. I was willing to do anything for this guy (I had even asked my father for a loan to buy him a camera to start his photography career) but that didn’t seem to matter. I had this terrible need to be liked by people that I became someone they used as a doormat and I saw no problem with it. Then I got sick and only five of those I thought loved me were there.

Let me tell you, when you get sick you’ll know. You’ll know who deserves the name friend. You’ll know who deserves to be in your picture albums. You’ll know who deserves to see your ugly as much as your beauty. You’ll know who deserves to see your tears both joyful and sad. You’ll know who deserves to know your mum. You’ll know where you stand in people’s lives.

Back to the point of this post. When I saw that picture every ugly thing I ever thought about myself came flooding back. Like I said I used the word ugly to describe me for the first time in a long time. If this was the picture that would be on display for everyone stranger or not, I felt I needed to create a wall where all they saw were smiles. I needed to not let anyone in to see any other side of me except the professional all white smile. I needed to give consent for this side of me to be seen. So I flipped!! I started giving theories about how someone hated me in this company (it was most likely not intentional). All the emotions from past and present became too heavy for me to even speak a word without my voice trembling. Then one of my bosses said ‘If you are ugly, you are ugly’ and that pierced more than it should. So I came to my desk and cried silently. As tears flowed, I gave myself the speech I’ve given myself a couple of times before.

Let me say this, someone who is made to believe that they are not 100% will eventually start believing it themselves and someone eventually succeeding to convince you otherwise will take a lot of effort. They will always be paranoid because they think someone is out to get them. These episodes of self-doubt will happen but a mantra helps. A co-worker said to me very bluntly that I could have it changed for around Sh.200 if I was that into myself and I almost punched him. Don’t ever ridicule someone’s touchy subject. Try not to judge because what you think is insignificant may not be so to them. You have no idea what this person has gone through to be here, no idea what demons they fight all day just to remain sane. Insecure people need an environment that bring the best in them. Self-image issues create self-esteem issues which affect how well you live so try not to be a body shamer.

The crying actually helped. It always does when I start doubting me. I however refuse to go back to days where everything was cloudy. I choose to always look for the light. If they want a bad picture of me up there then fuck it!! It will not add or subtract my value as a person and especially the person I have grown to be. I might even tell them to add a mustache to fancy it up. I know what I am and I know my people. They won’t like me any less just because one person chose a very unflattering picture. So now I can’t wait for them to put it up. Let’s see how differently the world turns (in case you missed it, this was part of my mantra).

If you are experiencing what I did, this is just to tell you don’t sweat it. Cut every negative person out of your life and love you first. You deserve it. You deserve the best and the best always find a way of finding you.