The Girl With A Brown Bag

Story story…well,I forget what comes next. Anyway, due to the fact that I have found myself idle in the office below is a story. It is not fictional but I must warn you it has a lot of TMI.

A normal day at work it was. Actually, that was one of the days when I didn’t want to go to the office. We’ve all had those days. You know, when you look in the mirror and try to find traces of any motivation left to look good then you ask, ‘Who I’m I doing this for?’ before deciding to dress just for decency. You don’t care how you look; you haven’t in a long time anyway. Outfit of the day? A faded brown shirt that is a bit too big for your shoulders, black official pants that you’ve had since you were a first year student in college, shoes that have decided they are a color between black and grey and 3 months growth on your chemically treated hair. Told you, I didn’t care. Oh, my make up? Just my bare oily skin with a touch of Nivea lip balm on my lips.

On the way to the office I mentally start my to-do list. I had a strategy that was due for submission that day which was almost done, a few purchase orders to raise, a lunch meeting with our boss and suppliers’ calls to return. Not that busy. There is little traffic so I get to town pretty fast. I settle down for breakfast as I log into my social media accounts. A few minutes later people are calling for their orders so I get to work.

At around 11.15, one supplier calls me. He is one of those guys who are very easy to talk to. We used to talk like we knew each other from our previous lives. He says he is in town (their offices were out of town) and wanted to come meet me. I’m like, ‘Geez! Another one’. If you didn’t know, sales people can be annoying. They insist on meeting you for coffee or lunch just to cement your relationship. I like keeping our relationships faceless. That week alone I had postponed a number of lunches. So I reply, ‘I have a meeting at noon that might take 2-3 hours’.

My head: Dodged that bullet, huh?

Me: He can’t possibly have something to do for over 2 hours.

He says: I can wait.

Shit!

I say: Are you sure?

He says: Yeah, I have things to do in town anyway.

What else could I have done?

I say: Okay, call me at 2 to check if the meeting is done.

We hang up. Now I had this meeting that was not in my to-do list. Remember my outfit? Well, I hope it’s a short one.

The meeting lasts only an hour so I am at my desk earning my salary by 1.30. I even had time for Facebook and Instagram. Some minutes to 2, Carol, our receptionist, calls. I have a Mr. D for you. ‘Who?’ I ask. She says he’s from company X. I ask whether he called or he’s on the phone and she says, ‘He’s here’. I tell her to give me two minutes.

I had planned to cancel this meeting saying my other meeting was taking longer than expected. I am very good at getting out of commitments, it just wasn’t happening today. Instead of taking the two minutes to fix my collar or my lips, I just closed my eyes and whispered, ‘God give me strength’. You’d think I was preparing to fight. I stood and walked out of my small office to the reception desk.

He is the only one at the reception. I can’t see his face and he can’t see mine. I look at Carol and she gets my question then points at the guy. I take a deep breathe then plaster a smile on my face. Walking towards him with my hand outstretched I say, ‘Mr. D, hi’.

He stands and takes my hand. ‘Finally we meet,’ he says. I look at him and my smile fades. He is beautiful. Okay, he was no Channing Tatum (no one ever is) but he was not ugly. Way over 5 on a scale of 1-10. Looking at him my head goes, ‘How shiny do you think your nose is right now? Do you think he’ll notice?’ Oily skin, remember?

He is in no hurry to finish our greetings and I am getting tired of standing so I ask him to follow me to my office.

My head: You covered your ass today.

Me: I can always pretend my laces need tying.

My head: Bitch, how far do you think this office of yours is?

Me: I can wipe my nose though.

And wiping I do. We get to the office and I give him a chair next to the door (some guys have had to run away from me so…). I take my seat and turn my chair so that I am facing him. Perfect time to profile him like the piece of meat he is.

He wore a brown stripped shirt and awesomely fitting pants (meat!). His shoes were black and he had a watch that looked classy – a man of good taste. He wore photo-chromatic glasses (just like me!) and his nails were clean (guys, we look at everything). His hair, O. M G!!

His hair was not long but he was not bald. Now, the type of hair? Baby!! He had the kind of hair you wanted to touch; unlike mine that was super kinky. When he spoke, I listened – why not? He had already impressed my shabby ass.

We spoke about anything and everything. He was tired as he had been walking around town for two hours. I was tired because it was not yet Friday, he laughed. Oh, when he laughs! I told myself, ‘Say some more lame stuff just to hear that again.’

I did. Like a million times in those two hours we spent talking. He also made me laugh. Not the fake girlish cute laughs, no. The ugly donkey snort kind of genuine shit! I didn’t care and he didn’t seem to mind. He said he wanted kids and I said, ‘I think I could give birth’ (what?!!!). You know when someone asks whether you are hungry and you say you could eat? Yeah, that happened. He laughed it off.

I was liking this guy more and more. He was turning all my awkward moments into donkey laughs from me and music laughs from him. He has a sister and of cos I take that opportunity to brag about how I have an awesome sister (That’s how I normally sell her to people who know nothing about her). Somehow we get to the drugs topic. I don’t have much to contribute here but I always have something to say.

Him: …bla,bla,bla don’t eat weed pancakes.

Me: I’ve never smoked weed but I think once I go into labor I will smoke a whole blunt.

Him: *Laughing*Why?

Me: Because I hear when you are high everything is fun and I have never had a woman say her sober labor was fun

Him: No, I think you should experience it. I hope the father stops you from getting high.

Me: Have you ever seen a woman in labor? She’ll ask for your kidney, you’ll refuse and she’ll take the damn kidney (Trust me, I have had things done to me by someone in labor. Long day that was).

Anyway, soon topic turns from labor and pregnancy into the process of making babies.

Me: Are you a butt person or boob person.

Him: I like both.

Me: Gun to your head.

Him: I think I like butts more.

Me: *Donkey laughs* I can’t believe I just made you do that. Sir-Mix-a lot was onto something. Have you seen that video?

Him: No, not really. Gun to your head.

Me: I like big butts and I cannot lie – I’ll send you a link.

He laughs. I’d say anything to make him laugh. In those two hours I forgot how I left the house. He was talking to me not my clothes or my hair. I loved it. He left at around 4.30 and he left me happy.

I sent him the link the following day. He had never seen it but seemed to enjoy it, who doesn’t? We continued talking for a couple of days. One day he asked what I was doing and I told him watching Dick Figures. Something else he had never watched before that day.

Fast forward to a few weeks of talking. He calls me one day at 4.00 and says he is in town if I’d like to come say hi. I am not good at commitments so I give the obvious answer, ‘I’m not sure’. He says to think about it and he’ll call at 5 when I leave work. How nice.

That one hour was spent thinking about it.

Me: Go for it.

My head: You need to rest after the office. This is not rest.

Me: You never go out, this once just do it.

My head: Worst case scenario he makes you order and you are trying to keep off junk.

Me: You know you want to.

I wanted to. I usually don’t want to do a lot of things so for me to actually WANT this was big for me. Most humans repulse me but he was not one of them. I feel anxious and very nervous when someone invites me to anything but not when he did. Stupid, I know. He called as I was exiting the elevator. He asked what I had decided and without thinking about it asked where he was. I did it.

We met at a chicken place. I am of the opinion don’t eat something you can’t pay for so I didn’t eat. I just wanted to sit there and talk to him. I got to know him better and he got to know me. We laughed (still a mixture of donkey and music) and I loved it. Now, what I didn’t tell you was the man had lips. No, I have lips. He had specially molded chops. I mean they deserve their own reality show. He said a lot that day but all I was thinking was, ‘What do you think those things can do?’

After 3 hours he took me to the stage. I didn’t want to leave. I kept introducing new topics that held us there for another 30 minutes. When I was clear that I would walk my ass home at some point (plus I was getting hungry) I hugged him and took the last bus home.

Another week passed. One day as we are talking on phone, I say something stupid and self-loathing. He quickly snaps me out of it and goes, ‘Take your esteem issues very far,’ then continued with the conversation. Do you know how amazing that is? Anyway, we agreed to meet on Saturday. Now, imagine this. I have had this thing, let’s call it a crush, for weeks. I am not thinking of anything else that is major except if he’s texted or called. All these weeks I have been a good girl, right? So I decide this Saturday meeting I will have at least one thing off my bucket list. He had moved himself into another level just like that. Oh, how I counted the days.

Friday night I can’t sleep. I’m going to hear music tomorrow. As a bonus, we are going to taste those lips.

Saturday morning I woke up humming. The sun was shining, I was liking this new person I had become in a few weeks, I had food on the table (and coffee) and my hair was smelling good for some reason. I was thanking God for everything – the cut I got cooking last night because it taught me endurance, the chicken in Kenya – as I didn’t know the exact hen who gave me my breakfast eggs, everything. We were supposed to meet for lunch but I got into the shower some minutes before 10.

I shaved everything!!! My pits, my legs, my mustache (I had come to love it), my knees and gave myself the much needed Brazilian. I was clean and I felt proud of me. Just so you know, I wasn’t expecting anything. Just a taste of them seductive lips. I just wanted to feel good inside and out. Smooth all the way baby.

I got out of the shower and took time dressing. I used the lotion on me like they do in commercials. I stood naked in front of a mirror and gave myself a pep talk. You are beautiful, you are funny and smart…bla,bla,bla. I dress and lie on my bed reading an outdated magazine waiting for that call. I don’t want to call him. It’s too early to show him how impatient I am. I read the whole damn thing including the ads and recipes yet nothing from him. At around 1.30 he texts me. He has met his cousin in town and it’s long since they saw each other. They have been catching up and he thinks we should postpone our lunch.

What the f#@k!!!! I text him a simple fine and turns the phone off. You are probably wondering how I was feeling at this moment. I will tell you. My head was writing a 87852 page affidavit on why this shit right here should be illegal. I liked myself enough before he forced that meeting on me and made me like myself way too much. I mean, how was I going to impress me after raising my own standards to myself like that? I had finally started thanking God for the species we call male then this happens? And someone will still ask why I have trust issues. He was probably happy enjoying a meal with his cousin yet here I was looking smart but very hungry as I had no plans of cooking that day. I went from angry to f@#k it in 30 seconds.

I decided I would enjoy my freshly hairless body so I undressed, wore shorts and a tank top, made noodles and started catching up on The Mindy Project.

Lesson: This experience was not all bad. Before meeting him I hated myself, now I love me- a bit too much I must say. I smile more, laugh louder (yes, the donkey laugh) and take no crap from people. He managed to pull me out of a dark moment where I hated all men, hated myself and felt worthy of nothing not even a ‘Niaje siste,’ from touts in town. He showed me that not everyone is bad.

I have to say that I am not lowering my standards any time soon so the next guy must prove worthy of the relationship I have with my mustache.